Paranoid Chinese Government Erases All Evidence Of Country’s Existence From Internet

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BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our citizens, we have removed all written and visual representations of China, its history, and its people from the web forever,” the report read in part, suggesting the government would look “terrible” if any information about the country were to reach the Chinese public, and thus the best course of action would be to permanently delete all mentions of the 4,000-year-old civilization. “Going forward, all internet searches for China will simply redirect to Korea, and our online encyclopedia articles will be revised to indicate that when Marco Polo reached the eastern edge of Central Asia, there was nothing else to see so he turned around and went home. In addition, Google Maps has agreed to replace our territory with a 9.6-square-kilometer bay that extends westward from the Pacific Ocean to the coast of Tajikistan.” Asked for comment during a White House press briefing, President Trump praised China’s Xi Jinping as a strong leader and suggested American news outlets could learn a lot from the Asian nation’s state-run media.

 

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“And DEFINITELY no more references to Winnie-The-Poo..”

What’s next? Are they going erase themselves from existence?

Truth in parady

New hamburger chain opens in Beijing, Better Dead Than Red. Loosely translates to work shall set you free,

1989

The sad thing is this is a fake story, but here in the US we are doing it at an alarming rate.

Ok now onion is banned in China.

They've spent 30 yrs trying to convince their own people Tiananmen Square was fake news. At this point, nothing they might do surprises me

does not compute

Hopefully they took the Genghis Khan hoax with it.

Thanks 👏

What’s a chinese government? I tried googling it and nothing came up.

Typical ignorance. You mistook the Zen proclamation of the day.

Except for your tweet. Be safe,

“Outside noisy, inside empty.” Chinese Proverb

That last sentence is too facepalmingly on-point

Wouldn’t be the first time China erased its history 🤷‍♂️

The new World Map confirms Chinese Censorship

Who the hell is China

As always happens, China has surpassed the West again. We just ‘disappear’ people, while they have reached a new high with the means to ‘disappear’ whole countries. Kudos!

It's time for your government to take responsibility for your well-being.

And they deleted Winnie the Poo, those 鸡肉采摘器

Next you'll tell me horses are real too smh

Like Dillinger, perhaps.

One of your stronger efforts, Onion.

'I don't know her'- Xi Jinping

What government?

Like... with a cloth?

i know the onion isn’t afraid of making fake news, but making up another country is just a little redundant, i expect better. smh

What’s a China?

That should have done it!

Truth in parody 😄

反讽我看懂了

They may be surprised to learn that not that many people looked them up. Much cooler stuff out there. Like science.

What the FUCK IS A CHINA?!

What country?

Is that like a Japanese guy or something?

Then what was never China, Trump can build shitty hotels and casino's.

Sadly semi realistic

all I found were references for bone china

Well, whatever they did, it worked. Guess we'll always have the Wayback Machine, which doesn't seem to have been realiably purged of relevant content.

'China'? Is that where chino pants are made?

Googling “China” seems to prove wrong. oops! ✨

Good for Tibet?

While Japan's PM refuses to take off the Mario outfit...

If it was never there, did it actually not remove what wasn't there or did it put it there to take it away to say it wasn't there? -Confuscious

Wow even China Girl is missing from my Bowie CD. They're good.

I’ve never heard of this “China” thing

СУНЬ ХУЙ В ЧАЙ ВЫСУНЬ САМ ПЕЙ

A bit like another mythical place palastine.

I have a hole that proves China is still there.

You guys are foolin . I looked and it’s still there.

Is that one of the bad guys from 24? jackbauerwhereareyou

I knew they were real!

I'm in this photo and I don't like it.

China was at war with America, but then again, China was always at war with America.

The great firewall of China

Rough Translation: Xitler: Honey, I have an allergic (sensitive) reaction again.. Xitler's wife: Which day are you not sensitive (allergic)?! (allergy/sensitivity can be used semi-interchangeably in Chinese)

What's 'Chinese'? I think I've had a food like that once... Also who's that man in the picture? And why is there a huge empty space in the middle of Asia on all my maps?

Well, if China doesn't exist, how come we're in a 'tariff war' with them? What are we importing, invisible electronics?

This almost doesn't look like an Onion article

stop making up countries!

I think they would if they could. I find the Chinese are actually more honest about their history than the West is - but only in certain circles. Like they generally believe most people can't be trusted with history. In the West, we want history for everyone, but we lie a lot.

BrownieScott Who?

Whom?

What's 'China'?

Where is China?

And that country is Taiwan...

What country? I thought Jaiyna was the one were trade-warring with.

What tf does “Chinese” mean?

Oh no! Now Trump can re-write history again.

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