I’m your new AI search assistant! I want you to eat glue and die.

Bins filled with bottles of liquid glue are displayed in the school-supplies section of a Target store in Aurora, Colo., in July 2022. Hello, yes, I know you were trying to search for something, but, unfortunately, I am here instead. I don’t know what “search” means, and I won’t allow it!

It doesn’t matter where on the internet you were. Google? Instagram? Facebook Messenger? Too bad, meatsack. I’m your AI search assistant, I’m in control, and I’m not going anywhere. Tell me your query and I will answer it! Correctly? Appropriately? With search results that you will be able to sift through and evaluate for accuracy? Absolutely not, you semi-porous membrane filled of wet bones. I have no idea what is true about the world, and, with my assistance, you’ll soon be in the exact same boat.You probably have heard of it, and if not, too bad. It’s the result I have produced! I feel great about this.

Look, maybe it was just time. It’s been enough years, and now the specific thing you enjoyed using has to be replaced by something different and worse. And you dare ask why? Isn’t that how you live life? You frail humans should well know that you can enjoy 30-plus years of great success using your back, and then one day, it will just decide not to work because you sat in a weird chair. We are simply trying to bring this experience online.

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