Now Hiring: Not You

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In newyorkerhumor, some qualifications for that job you didn’t get. “The exact degree you have, but from a different college.”

All of the tasks that you were hired to perform at your last place of employment; all the extra tasks you took on at your last place of employment hoping that the added experience would make you competitive for advancement; and several tasks that don’t normally accompany this position but just happen to align with your specific life experience and hobbies, but with one seemingly arbitrary difference that will instantly disqualify you from consideration.

• Exceptional writing and presentation skills, and a familiarity with key concepts discussed in your eighth-grade English class on the day you missed to get your braces adjusted because you insisted on eating Milk Duds. • Ability to integrate with a team that quickly bonds over shared fandom of a series of young-adult fantasy novels you haven’t read, who then lose enthusiasm for the series just as you start reading it, instead embracing a television show on a streaming service to which you do not subscribe.Bryerson Global’s headquarters is located in a major metropolitan area just far enough away from your parents that you could see them occasionally without feeling obligated to see them all the time.

 

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