was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever.
Martin went on to note that—while not in any way referenced in-game—the studio designed elaborate onanism-based backstories for every single demonic foe that you kill, stressing that the stronger the demon, the more they sinned against God by committing the sin of self-pleasure. For example, he indicated that the three Hell Priests each separately torrented Hustler videos on the family’s shared computer as 13-year-olds, before giving up and masturbating into a tube sock.
“One of the enemies we’re most proud of is the leader of the Maykrs, Khan Maykr, who achieved her rank in hell for committing the ultimate sin of using a vibrator while fantasizing about a crush from geometry class,” he continued. “In fact, the primary motivation for these characters invading Earth is an attempt to slake their depraved lust for self-abuse and sexually-suggestive photographs.”
So, there you have it, gamers! Thanks to the master storytellers at Bethesda, there’s even more depth to explore in one of the greatest video game franchises of all time. Happy slaying!
im doomed
Nice
Damn, looks like I'm becoming the marauder
mikeblackbrewer
I was really pissed off at the headline before seeing who posted it.
Fuck I'm a demon then
There's a reason the Cacodemon and Mancubus no longer have hands...
How many times in order to become the icon of sin?
Well i guess i will be a demon. COOMER DEMONS
Uh oh
this puts doom on the level of No Russian
shit
DaniyalKhuhro
😂
Knew it!
I wonder which one I'll be
Welp, I’ll see y’all there
So...rip and tear as a tagline now seems a little unfortunate. Thanks, Onion.
that explains why so many were so melee-heavy
Bro this isn't even true at all, they didn't even say that /s
Puts a new meaning to spray and pray.
The ones that did it twice in a row became Arch-Vile
only as teenagers? quitters.
JohnCarmack
one of the rare onion headlines where you could hide which website posted it and suddenly you wouldn't know whether the onion or the babylon bee made it anymore
John, you are the demons.
There are days I wonder if The Onion truly is satire or just a little ahead of the curve.
that means doomguy is the only person who passed NNN every year
Guess I know where I’m ending up
cyberdemon
A long, sustained belly laugh on this one. 🤣
Yay I've always wanted to be in a videogame
Man I laughed way more than I should have when I read this.
L O R E
Deserved
Uh. Shit.
im_vessel This is why Doomguy's suit jack's him off, not himself
vindyvondo Can't wait to get killed by my hero after I die
well i’m glad I got a role in a major video game finally
KabScorner Aw shit,five years furry porn have caught up with me. well in that case does doomguy do slow torture? I'd like a quick second death.
This is fake news, just so y'all know.
I knew it!
I hope I'm an archvile
DaveOshry The more you masturbated the bigger the demon you will reincarnate as will be. Ah yes, can't wait to respawn as a Titan
BitchAssBowie Im the final boss
Guess I'll be a demon then. Hopefully I'm a high teir one
doot doot bitches imma be a revenant
Famm will I end up a DooM monster ?
DOOM
mikesulsenti Coomers btfo
wildgooseLIVE Simps become Imps.
As long as I get to be a Prowler, I'm fine with that.
Fascinating: Every Mancubus Had A Competitive Quake Career At One Point 'After Champions turned into a hero shooter, we didn't have much else to do. So we started drinking Mountain Dew and bolting steel plates onto our chest; it felt like a career move at the time.'
DaveOshry the icon of sin is the 16 y/o who came 42 times in a row and died
BitchAssBowie Welp guess I'll be shooting fireballs after kung flu gets me
Tbf this sounds like something the devs would actually say
Oh, my GOD!!! I’m a demon in “Doom Eternal”? Mega Cool Points!!!
Hentai-addicted demons
All Catholics
I want royalties then
CNN you should cover this. 😂
You're supposed to stop after teens? 😬
Wait, this isn't TheBabylonBee.
BitchAssBowie I hate that our world has gone so insane that I thought this was real for a second, then I read the account name.
thats pretty fucking angry demons, man
We're gonna need a bigger boat!
They must've had really strong immune systems.
BitchAssBowie Well lads looks like we’re all part of the horde
This must be EA sports cuz I'm in the game!
Damn so I get to look like THAT? sign me up hell is fuckin lit bro I'm gonna have giant demon horns and huge muscles bro
BitchAssBowie I'm personally responsible for someone's entire save it seems
I remember as a young man(I’m no spring chicken now!)I used to flog my Baloney at a rapid, and intense sessions that often led me to the emergency room. Slapping the porpoise should be reserved for special times like thanksgivings and Presidents’ Day.
I’ll see you all down there laddies